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JOKES
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum
police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on
our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll
been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...
"Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
couple of bottles of Budweiser.
The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a dadgum
police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on
our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."
What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put
labels on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Howdy boys, ya'll
been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels...
"Me and Bubba's on the Patch."
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wiv! es know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wiv! es know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
! aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own........... so does she.
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
! aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife? He answers, " You see, it's like this,
yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own........... so does she.
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon
that she wanted
her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in
the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be
kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she
found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she
immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because
you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in
the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done
some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
that she wanted
her vagina lips reduced because they were flapping in
the breeze.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be
kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she
found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she
immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for
confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because
you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in
the surgery and
empathized because she had the same procedure done
some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn
unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please, "says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please, "says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
An Italian immigrant went to the doctor complaining that he wasn't sure how to make his new wife pregnant. After struggling with language barriers between he and the immigrant, the doctor simplified his advice, "Just stick your longest thing where your wife is hairiest."
Two months later, the Italian came back to the doctor to complain that his wife still wasn't pregnat. "I did what you told me, said the immigrant, I've been sticking my nose in her armpit every night & nothing happens."
Two months later, the Italian came back to the doctor to complain that his wife still wasn't pregnat. "I did what you told me, said the immigrant, I've been sticking my nose in her armpit every night & nothing happens."
Dear Dogs,
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
> The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
> Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
> does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and
> dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
> Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
> help either because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they
> sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
> end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw
> under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
> same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many
> years - canine attendance is not mandatory.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt.
> I cannot stress this enough!
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
> our front door:
>
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
>
> 3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
> who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all
> the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
> your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that
> also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).
> They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
> fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
> for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
>
>
>
> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.
> The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
> Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
> does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and
> dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
> Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
> help either because I fall faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry
> about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
> ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they
> sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
> stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that
> sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
> end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
> not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw
> under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
> same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many
> years - canine attendance is not mandatory.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt.
> I cannot stress this enough!
>
> To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
> our front door:
>
> Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
>
> 3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
> who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
> Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all
> the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive
> your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that
> also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her).
> They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
> fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars
> for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
>
>
>
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past,
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they
smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over t oo far and falls
into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a
joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says " Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........ How much water did you drink?!"
**********************
looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"
The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they
smoke a few joints.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.
The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a
drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over t oo far and falls
into the river.
A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a
joint.
The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says " Hey!"
The monkey looks down and says,
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........ How much water did you drink?!"
**********************
NEW UNIT TO IRAQ
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia,
Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia,
Louisiana, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia,
Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Florida, Georgia,
Louisiana, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq
and have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
This mess in Iraq should be over in about a week.
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came
to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called
on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled,
the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can
see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door
joined the Navy
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came
to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called
on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,
made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled,
the teacher asked him what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can
see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing
one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the boy next door
joined the Navy
Headlines from the year 2029!
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
>A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a
>man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on
>the
>ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
>have my way with you from behind!"
>
> The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She
>called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's
>proposition. Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the
> ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants
>down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
>
> An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
>"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
> The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"
>
>man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on
>the
>ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can
>have my way with you from behind!"
>
> The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She
>called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's
>proposition. Her girlfriend said, "When he drops the $500 on the
> ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants
>down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
>
> An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
>"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
> The lady said, "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"
>